Kids In Care: The Losses and Gains

Written by FrameWorks Program Director, Rachel Kinder

Originally posted in Charleston Gazette. To view that article, click here.

It’s accepted that foster parents will face loss and grief throughout their time providing temporary care for children. What immediately comes to mind when exploring this topic would be the loss of children who leave the home and the grief of this loss. What may be unexpected is the losses associated with becoming a foster family. Foster families deserve recognition of these extra losses when they choose step up and make sacrifices for children in care. 

Loss of their old life:  Adding new children to a family immediately changes the household, the routines and schedules. New children have lots of appointments at the beginning, kids will need taken shopping for new clothes and parents will likely be cooking new meals or incorporating new foods to their household.  Household dynamics will obviously be different and all family routines will likely shift, from school and daycare drop-offs to bedtimes. 

Lack of privacy:  This starts with the certification process and continues throughout the journey as foster parents. During the homestudy process workers must do home inspections (for safety issues and space for children). The social worker will also ask personal questions about the parents’ childhoods, relationship, finances and other issues valid to certification. Once children are placed in the home, there will be regular workers in and out of the home. Workers for the child, workers from the family’s agency and DHHR, and workers providing services, such as in-home therapists or Birth to Three workers who help the younger children. The workers are not there to judge the quality of the family’s housekeeping; they are there to assist the family and the children placed there, however it still requires scheduling and opening one’s home.

Loss of the ability to be spontaneous:  One adjustment for a new foster family might be the loss of the ability to make plans spur of the moment. More appointments (social workers, therapists, family visitations) mean a fuller schedule with less free time. Families must also receive permission for traveling out of state with children in foster care. Permission is generally granted but does require advance planning. 

Changes in your other relationships:  Unfortunately, many foster families have a story about someone that left their life when they became a foster parent. It might be an extended family member, a friend or a social group. It is hard to understand the day-to-day life of a foster parent without being one yourself.  Not everyone may understand that children in care have unique needs, that families may need to step back from certain social situations and that a friend who is a new foster parent may not be as available as they once were. 

Loss of birth order:  While families can specifiy ages of children to accept, some choose to maintain birth order (only fostering children younger than their biological children) and some do not. This means a child may lose their place in the family as the oldest or the baby and will have to accept changes in family roles.

This is not to discourage families from foster, but to acknowledge the sacrifices that families make when fostering and to provide a realistic picture for anyone considering the journey. As well, most families feel that the gains outweigh the losses.

Meeting amazing kids:  While children in foster care experience trauma, they are also amazing, resilient human beings. Whether fostering a babies or teens, foster families get to meeting children with personalities, interests and love to share. What family doesn’t benefit by adding new members to love and be loved by? 

Meeting amazing families:   Yes, the birth parents whose children are in foster care are temporarily unable to care for their children and have exposed them to abuse and neglect. Despite this, there are so many families working hard to get their children back, who are overcoming difficulties that the average person has never experienced and who deeply love their children. Some foster parents get to watch parents come back from their lowest point of their lives and see them do it for the sake of their children.

New traditions:  A kind and important act for foster parents is to incorporate traditions from their foster child’s family of origin. Adding a special holiday tradition or meal that is familiar or comforting to the child is not a burden but a chance to enhance your family with experiences to the family.

Introducing a child to a new experience:  While an out of state vacation with a foster child requires extra permissions and paperwork, I can guarantee that it’s worth it to watch a child experience Disney World or the beach for the first time.  

Growing your village:  Yes, sometimes foster families lose people along the way, but they also gain. A Birth to Three worker who visits twice a week becomes a friend. A teacher who took a special interest in a struggling teen stays in touch after the school year is over. A friendship grows between the foster family and the neighbor who stepped up to help with extra chores. Most foster families eventually end up building a supportive village that helps them endure the losses and celebrate the gains.

For information on foster care or adoption, visit www.missionwv.org/request-information, email fosteradopt@missionwv.org or call 304-512-0555.