Effective Communication with Teens
How do you talk to teens? Parents have been trying to figure this out for a long time. Talking to teens isn’t always easy. But it’s a huge part of building a great relationship with your child.
With rapid emotional changes, evolving interests, and the quest for independence, finding common ground can sometimes feel like an uphill battle. However, fostering open and effective communication with your teens is crucial for maintaining a healthy and supportive relationship.
Do’s and Don’ts
Sometimes the toughest part of communicating is figuring out how to get your teen talking. Whether you want to address something significant or just have a friendly chat, breaking the ice with a teen can be tough. Here are some do’s and don’ts for how to get your teenager to open up.
What to Do
Ask specific yet open-ended questions like “How was your get-together with so-and-so?” or “How did that test go?”
Give your kids the sense that you’re open to anything they have to say, whether positive or not so positive. And try to avoid offering unsolicited advice.
Choose moments when your teen seems relaxed and open, rather than trying to push them to open up when they seem stressed or irritable and don’t want to talk.
What not to Do
Don’t ask “So is everything fine?” When you ask your teen if everything is fine, you’re giving them the message that you want everything to be fine. They don’t want to disappoint you, so they’re more likely to just nod in response and let you believe that everything’s fine, even if it isn’t.
Don’t ask questions that are too general. Questions like “How was your day?” often produce one or two words that don’t give you any information about your teen’s life or what your child is really feeling. This phrase is a conversation killer with adolescents.
Tips for Communicating with your teen
Here’s a guide to help you connect better with the teenagers in your life.
1. Listen Actively
Active listening is the cornerstone of effective communication. When your teen talks, give them your full attention. This means putting away distractions like your phone or computer and focusing on what they’re saying. Show that you’re engaged through nodding, eye contact, and verbal affirmations. Sometimes, just being heard can make a significant difference.
2. Empathize and Validate Their Feelings
Teens often experience intense emotions, and it’s essential to validate these feelings rather than dismiss them. Phrases like “I can understand why you feel that way” or “It sounds like that was really tough” show that you recognize their emotional state. Even if you don’t completely understand their perspective, acknowledging their feelings can strengthen your connection.
3. Avoid Lecturing
Instead of delivering a monologue, try to engage in a two-way conversation. Ask open-ended questions and encourage your teen to share their thoughts and opinions. This approach fosters a dialogue rather than a lecture, making them more likely to open up and express themselves.
4. Be Respectful
Respect goes both ways. It’s important to approach conversations with respect and to expect the same in return. Avoid interrupting or talking over your teen, and refrain from belittling their experiences or emotions. Respectful communication fosters a safe space where teens feel comfortable sharing their thoughts.
5. Share Your Own Experiences
Sharing your own experiences and feelings can help bridge the generation gap. By relating your own challenges and triumphs, you can offer valuable insights and show that you’ve faced similar issues. This can make you more relatable and approachable to your teen.
6. Stay Calm and Composed
Teens might push boundaries or test limits as they seek to assert their independence. During these moments, it’s crucial to remain calm and composed. Responding with patience and understanding, rather than reacting with frustration, helps maintain a constructive dialogue and prevents conflicts from escalating.
7. Encourage Independence
While it’s important to be involved in your teen’s life, it’s equally important to give them space to make their own decisions. Encourage their independence by supporting their interests and choices, even if they differ from your own. This fosters trust and shows that you respect their growing autonomy.
8. Set Clear Expectations
Clear and consistent expectations provide a framework for behavior and decision-making. Make sure your teen understands the rules and the reasons behind them. Consistent communication about expectations helps reduce misunderstandings and reinforces the boundaries you set.
9. Be a Positive Role Model
Teens learn a lot by observing the behavior of the adults around them. Demonstrate positive communication habits, such as expressing emotions healthily and resolving conflicts constructively. Your actions speak volumes and can influence how your teen approaches communication and relationships.
10. Seek Professional Help if Needed
Sometimes, issues might be beyond your expertise or comfort level. If communication challenges persist or if your teen is struggling with significant emotional or behavioral issues, seeking help from a counselor or therapist can provide valuable support and guidance.
How to talk so a teenager will listen
Talking to teenagers can be stressful. But if you’re able to regulate your own emotions during a charged discussion, chances are your teen will do better, too. Consequently, the conversation will go better for both of you. Try these methods for keeping your cool so your teen won’t tune you out.
Breathe and Relax: Stay calm! Take long, slow, deep breaths, which activates your parasympathetic (“relaxation and recuperation”) nervous system and slows your heart rate. As you breathe, notice where you’re holding tension in your body and consciously release it.
Don’t Take It Personally: Young people are developing their own lives, their own identity, and their own opinions. And part of that is disagreeing with and pushing back against what they perceive as parental control. Remember, this is not about how good or bad of a parent you are.
Remind Yourself That You Are a Role Model: The way you conduct yourself in a conversation shows your child how productive—or how messy—communication can be. Remind yourself how important it is for you to serve as a positive example during the teenage years. And let this be an incentive to avoid yelling, getting overly emotional, or blaming your teen.
Take a Timeout If You Need It: If you sense that you’re not getting anywhere, or either you or your teen is too worked up to continue talking, take a timeout. Tell your teen you’re going to pause the conversation and revisit it later.
How much should I share with my teenager?
Communication isn’t just about learning how to talk to teenagers. It’s about kids learning more about their parents’ lives. That doesn’t mean telling them how much better you behaved back when you were a teenager. It does mean sharing your own teenage experiences in appropriate ways, to illustrate what you might have changed or not if you could go back to that time.
Talk about what matters to you and why, to give your teen a sense of why you make the choices you do. Let your teen know that you’ve gone through what they’re going through now and that you found a way to grow from the experience. Your experience can provide a valuable and different perspective. However, you don’t need to share information that will needlessly upset your child.
Remember, no matter what circumstance, part of building a healthy relationship with your child is learning how to get your teenager to talk to you. Keep at it, even when it seems uncomfortable or intimidating. The more often you communicate, the easier and more enjoyable it will become. The goal is to build a stronger parent-child relationship.
Useful Resources
Many parents need a little help getting their teen talking and learning how to talk so their teen will listen. Parent coaches, counselors, or family therapists can help. Below we’ve listed several sites and groups that also provide support.
The Child Mind Institute - childmind.org
This organization offers articles, guides, and videos on a wide range of topics related to parenting teens, including communication strategies and mental health support.
American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) - HealthyChildren.org
The AAP’s website provides resources and advice on teen health and development, including tips for improving parent-teen communication.
TeensHealth from Nemours - kidshealth.org/en/teens/
This website offers separate sections for teens and parents, providing valuable information on how to discuss sensitive topics, manage emotions, and build a strong relationship.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Family Support Group - nami.org
NAMI offers support groups for families dealing with mental health challenges, which often include discussions on communication strategies and maintaining healthy relationships with teens.
National Parent Helpline
Phone: 1-855-4A PARENT (1-855-427-2736)
This helpline provides emotional support, advice, and resources for parents in need of assistance with a variety of parenting challenges, including communication with teens.
Boys Town National Hotline
Phone: 1-800-448-3000
This hotline offers support and guidance for parents and teens. Counselors are available 24/7 to assist with family communication issues and other concerns.