What Youth Wish Adults Understood
Supporting teens during adolescent development and in becoming the best adults they can be, we must reframe the way we view the teenage years. Adolescence is a “breakthrough” time when the brain is developing rapidly and is particularly sensitive to environmental influences. This period in one’s life is a time when young individuals seek out new experiences, build and strengthen connections, and form essential life skills. Since the founding of the field of adolescent development in 1904, researchers have viewed adolescence as a time of “storm and stress.” Expectations, negative or positive, affect how teens behave. Ellen Galinsky, a family researcher, says it is important to shift our understanding of adolescence from negative to positive, from dread to celebration. For more than nine years, Galinsky surveyed more than 1,600 tweens and teens between the ages of 9 and 19 and their parents, asking them what they want to tell adults about people their age. She hopes parents and caring adults will take their messages seriously.
Understand the development
In our nationally representative survey, we asked parents, “If you had one word or phrase to describe the teen brain, what would that be?” Only 14% of parents used positive words about the teen brain. The most frequently used word by 11% of the parents was “immature,” and another 8% used similar words. Far too many of us see adolescents as deficit adults. People would not refer to a toddler as a deficit preschooler. However, adults tend to view adolescents as “not adults.” Adolescents need to explore and have adventures. One needs to react quickly and determine if a situation is safe or not. This skill is essential to acquire for basic survival. Adolescent research often focuses on negative risks, like taking drugs, drinking, and making what are often called “stupid decisions.” People wonder, “Do adolescents make these decisions because they feel they’re immune from danger?” Research proves that hunch is false. Ron Dahl, from the University of California at Berkeley, discovered when young people are engaged in risky behavior or “doing scary things,” they are more attuned to danger. Youth are learning to go out into the world, gaining their independence. He describes this as “learning to be brave,” a characteristic admired around the world.
Talk with us, not at us.
Adolescents need to have a sense of agency, to learn how to make decisions for themselves. That does not mean to turn everything over to them—but to find an appropriate level of autonomy. Young people are correct when they say, “Don’t just tell us what to do.” One adolescent said, “If we’re the problem, then we need to be part of the solution.” The best parenting, the best interventions, and the best teaching involve adolescents in learning to solve problems for themselves, not having problems solved for them.
Don’t STEREOTYPE us
Thirty-eight percent of adolescents wrote sentiments like “We are not dumb,” “We are smarter than you think,” “We are not all addicted to our phones and social media.” “Don’t lump is in a group and label us as the anxious or depressed generation” or the “entitled generation,” or the "COVID generation.” “Let us be the individuals that we are.” Research shows if adults expect the worst, they often receive the worst. When parents’ views of the teen years were negative—59% of those parents had negative words to use about teens’ brains and their own children were not doing as well overall. These adolescents reported being more sad, lonely, angry, or moody.
Understand our needs
There is a stream of research in psychology called the “self-determination theory.” This theory suggests that humans do not just have physical needs for food, water, and shelter; but we also have basic psychological needs. These needs include having important relationships or caring connections/belongingness, feeling supported and respected, having some autonomy, and finding ways to give back. I found the kids who had those basic needs met by the relationships in their lives before the pandemic did well during the pandemic.
We want to learn stuff that is useful.
This message speaks to the importance of executive function skills. People who have these skills are more likely to do well academically, in health, wealth, and life satisfaction, than people who do not. These are skills like understanding others’ perspectives, setting goals, communicating, collaborating, or taking on challenges. These skills build on core brain processes that help us thrive.
Specific Topics Youth Want to Learn About
Building and expanding upon Galinsky's research outcomes presented above, youth have expressed additional specific topics they wish guardians understood about them (through additional research and local polling). These topics include:
Behaviors
For example, one local youth stated that their caregiver only focused on the “wrong” behavior without seeking to understand the motivation driving that behavior. The teen reported lacking the opportunity to explain themselves and just “got in trouble” resulting in an overall communication breakdown between the adolescent and adult.
Another example of common youth behavior included school grades/rankings. A middle schooler’s written comment regarding school grades in relation to guardian understanding suggested acknowledging the fact that “a ‘C’ is a passing grade.”
Emotions
Youth experience valid emotional struggles and report that they often wish parents would acknowledge and empathize with their emotional challenges without immediately trying to solve them or dismiss their feelings. One adolescent said, "Just because we are emotional, doesn't mean we are dramatic" and went on to explain, "We are growing people." Adolescents also advise against saying things that are not helpful like, “You know I was once your age.”
Stress
Youth today report higher levels of stress than previously reported, specifically anxiety and loneliness, according to a 2021 survey conducted by the Education Week Research Center (administered to middle and high schoolers).
One youth’s comment expressed the fact that people of all ages experience stress, reminding adults that "Even if we don't have to pay bills or go to work, we can still be stressed out."
Autonomy
Youth express the desire to receive recognition from caregivers regarding their individuality along with the need for adults to understand the importance of them exploring their own identity, including their own interests and opinions.
Balancing Independence/Guidance
Youth are seeking a balance between freedom to make their own choices and guidance from adults when needed during this growth and development.
Identity
Again, youth strongly express the desire to receive recognition from caregivers regarding their individuality along with the need for adults to understand the importance of them exploring their own identity, including their own personal interests and opinions. Acceptance and support from caregivers are important to youth's overall needs.
Technology
As you might have guessed, teenagers report spending a significant portion of their lives online. For most youth, research shows somewhere between 16 and 62 hours (about 5 days) a week are spent online. Adolescents report they wish adults fully understood their use of technology.
The most common forms of technology consumption reported by youth include:
Apps: (TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, and YouTube)
Streaming Platforms: (Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime)
Video Games
Texting
Young people reported they see the internet as a “world of endless possibilities.” But, they admitted, it is not without its downsides. Despite the many positives youth stated that the internet brings to their lives, they also reported feeling powerless to put down their phones at times and acknowledge generational divides that prevent adults in their lives from understanding how social media functions more like a necessity rather than an option (for example).
Can adults be of help?
One teen wrote, “We can’t expect adults to have a solution if they don’t know the problem.” Many adolescents said they wished their parents would trust them and their digital literacy skills online, and hope adults could see the good, not just the bad parts, of an interconnected life.
One youth stated, “Adults should just help point us in the right direction when it comes to social media rather than just saying we cannot do some things because that’s why kids hide things. Rather than sheltering us, you should help lead us. Everyone has different views on social media and how parents/adults should act with it — But we are just teens after all and we wanna express ourselves. Adults can help with that by just being there for us. That is all we really want anyway.”
Additional feedback from teens regarding technology consumption includes the following quotes:
“Life online has allowed me to connect with a multitude of people from far and close. This has allowed me to learn about new things, become aware of pressing global issues, and explore passions I have limited access to without online resources.”
“Although the Internet holds so much good, having access to so many things and people truly does have its negatives. As a 15-year-old girl, the Internet becomes problematic due to the unrealistic beauty standards that online life idealizes. The internet makes it almost impossible to escape these self-comparisons which leads millions of teenagers to struggle to find confidence in their own skin.”
Overall, youth acknowledge the pitfalls of technology. For example, distractions and procrastination, declined focus, tiredness, mental health impacts, unhealthy and unbeneficial influences, addiction to the phone/receiving notifications and a desire to dissociate from their phones. Youth also spoke about misinformation, and how they sort fact from fiction on the internet. They shared what they love and loathe about social media.
The following quotes are from teens pertaining to social media:
“Social media, from my experience, is a double-edged sword. While there is some amazing content that uplifts and encourages millions, it comes with a much darker side. Hate comments and content built on negativity can crash that high of dopamine. Personally, I do my best to ensure that I do not spend too long on my phone, or else I might start doom scrolling. Hours have been lost just aimlessly scrolling through TikTok or YouTube, void of emotion or eventually building up into a breakdown.”
“I feel like social media is a wonderful way for teenagers to stay connected with each other, however the internet also has caused kids to become a lot less creative and lose some basic social skills. Just like everything there needs to be a balance between staying connected online and making those personal connections that teach things the internet cannot, such as looking people in the eye and communicating clearly.”
In the end, here are some quotes that reflect what teenagers wished adults understood about teenage life online:
“I feel adults do not necessarily understand why teenagers use social media so often. In our generation, we tend to use our cellphones to socialize with our friends, and sometimes post about each other or just share things. What adults do not realize is that sometimes we feel left out if we aren’t responding to group chats or seeing each other’s posts.”
“Adults today can sometimes fail to understand the critical impact cyberbullying has on adolescents. Bullying was present during their time; however, their kind of bullying may have been either physical or a face-to-face exchange. Adults can fail to realize cyber bullying has the same effects on children as bullying had on kids during their time.”
“Something the older generations do not understand is friendships online. One can interact with people worldwide every day and grow a close bond with them through social media. Many adults only see these bonds through a negative point of view; calling these friendships dangerous, unsafe, and unreasonable. In contrast to their viewpoints, some children have met people who truly understand them for the first time online and made the best friends of their life. Adults should understand that life online has opened many doors for teenagers, that if not opened, life as they know it would be drastically different.”
Talking With Youth
Here are some helpful tips to assist in openly communicating with youth as an adult/caregiver from family researcher and author, Ellen Galinsky, on topics youth wish guardians understood about them:
You say adolescents do not want to be “talked at.” What does that look like, and why does it cause conflict?
“We are likely to talk “at” adolescents versus “with” them for several reasons. The first is that we forget what it is like to be an adolescent. It is called “the curse of knowledge.” It is like a doctor talking to you about a medical condition. The doctor assumes you know what they are talking about, but you have not a clue. This is because it is hard for us to not know what we already know.” The second reason is they can look like adults so we can see them like adults. There is still a third reason adolescents do not like to be talked “at,” teens need some autonomy. Autonomy does not mean giving complete control. Instead, autonomy means being choiceful and feeling like one oversees their own life. We all need that, but adolescents particularly need this sense of self because they know their parents will not always be there.”
Instead, adolescents want to be talked “with.” What does that look like?
The research on autonomy support is extremely useful here. I call it a “skill-building approach.” It includes the following:
Checking in on ourselves because our feelings can spill over into how we handle challenges.
Taking the child’s view and understanding why they might be behaving how they are behaving
Recognizing that we are adults, so we need to set limits. Everybody needs expectations and guidance in their lives. Nobody wants to be without guardrails.
Helping youth problem-solve solutions.
What does problem-solving look like?
“Here is an example of “shared solutions.” I have used this approach as a teacher and as a parent. If there is a problem—for example, say kids are not adhering to their curfew, homework is not getting completed, they are on their devices, or they are disruptive in class, you simply state the problem and what your goals are. Then, you ask the young person to suggest as many solutions as possible. They can be silly ideas, they can be wonderful ideas, you can even get jokey about it.”
“Then you go through each idea and ask, “What would work for you in that idea? What would work for me?” You are helping adolescents take your perspective. Next, you identify a solution to try together. Now you both own that solution. If you need consequences, this is when you establish them, not in the heat of the moment. Finally, you say, “This is a change experiment. Let us see if it works.” You try it out. If it does work, great. The solution implemented often works out for a while. When it needs changing, you go through the shared solutions process again.”
What are some things we do that may send unintended messages to adolescents, that leave them feeling unseen or unheard? And what can we do instead?
The late child psychiatrist Dan Stern once said, “Every human being wants to feel known and understood.” This fact is not just true for our children or younger people. It is true for all of us.
“I asked some open-ended questions in my study. One of them was, “If you had one wish to improve the lives of people your age, what would it be?” Several young people wrote about the things that made them feel unseen, unheard, and misunderstood or not understood at all. Adolescents expressed statements like “Get over it,” “You will grow out of it,” “Stop being such a teen,” or “It will get better.” To youth, statements like these made them feel that the adults in their lives were not understanding them and were not taking their problems seriously. We are better off if we try to understand what our kids are trying to achieve with communication before we respond to it.”
What are things parents can do to ensure their child knows they are supported and a priority?
“Here is an example from my own life. My daughter was upset at my grandson for loving technology as much as he does. She told him so directly. He said, quietly under his breath, “But you’re on it all the time, too.” He was right.”
“We had a family meeting where he told his mom how he felt, with her acting one way to him and living another way. She listened to him and was more mindful of how she used technology. That made a substantial difference in their relationship. So many young people wrote in, “We see you,” or “You think we don’t understand, but we’re watching you,” or “We’re learning from what you’re doing, not just what you’re saying.” At our best, we need to live the way we want them to live.”
According to a 2021 survey conducted by the Education Week Research Center, 44% of middle and high school students revealed their levels of anxiety had increased since the start of the coronavirus pandemic. In addition, 43% had a "higher level of loneliness." Around 37 percent admitted feeling less comfortable with physical contact (hugs from people their age) as well.
There is a good chance anxiety is driving teenagers (and the rest of us) to escape onto screens to flee fears. Across most types of anxiety runs a common thread; difficulty coping with feelings of uncertainty: something today’s teenagers have more than their fair share of.
Today’s youth are experiencing uncertain economic lives: Unlike previous generations, they can anticipate a worse economic future than their parents.
Youth have also grown up with uncertain truths and unreliable sources of news and facts, yet they cannot easily escape the digital ecosystem that is to blame.
Finally, teenagers have uncertain independence, many having been raised under the whirring of helicopter parents, overinvolved and trying to fix every problem for their children or experienced the flip side of that coin, absentee parents from unfortunate social issues like the opioid epidemic that took root in society. These situations/experiences can suffocate independence at a time when teenagers should be exploring autonomy, they can limit the development of self-reliance and grit and may even directly produce anxiety and depression given the adolescent’s personal experience.
When we are anxious, we gravitate toward experiences that dull the present anxious moment. Enter mobile devices, the perfect escape. The analogy that teenagers use social media as an escape from real life has proved true in the past. The standards of modern culture, produced by social media, are what keep most people on their phones. This is a way to avoid ever-changing social expectations.
Research confirms that the average person spends 2 and a half hours on social media every day. This would mean that in your whole lifetime (if you live up to 73 years), you could spend 6 years and 8 months scrolling through social media. ALMOST 7 YEARS! It doubtlessly challenges our productivity overall. Imagine how much you could accomplish if losing time to social media was not a thing.
One adolescent left a reassuring comment to any parent, guardian, or caregiver that humorously and matter-of-factly admitted, "I don't even understand middle schoolers, and I am one.”
Finally, some positive and uplifting quotes from a panel of youth wisely stated to a room full of adults at a national conference this past summer:
We are worth investing in.
We need your guidance.
We are the future
Useful Resources
Parent Resources: www.missionwv.org/parent-resources
So Deep: Students reveal what they wish adults understood about them www.newsweek.com/students-reveal-what-wish-adults-understood-1698016
What do older generations misunderstand about teenagers today? www.nytimes.com/2018/09/05/learning/what-do-older-generations-misunderstand-about-teenagers-today.html
What teens want adults to understand about their lives online www.nytimes.com/2022/10/27/learning/what-teenagers-want-adults-to-understand-about-their-lives-online.html